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Bad Week

March 5, 2015

Things were going so well, and then on Sunday I woke up paranoid and anxious. It’s now Thursday and I have still done nothing with my life except the really important jobs like driving kids (not mine) to school or driving sick kids (not mine) home. So, this is officially now a Bad Week.

I figure this must be when my background cycle, behind the lithium that allows me to at least continue a semblance of normality at the extremes of the day, would be at the mixed or perhaps depressed state. I would have thought that being forced to get up each day and do at least one job would give me the momentum to continue on and do other things and just, you know, do what normal people do and push through it. It hasn’t worked, I just get completely tired, completely unmotivated, and any attempt to push through results in my brain ceasing to function properly. I come up with all sorts of ways to avoid responsibility, from finding distraction that’s strong enough to cover up the guilt for a while, or falling back into bed and sleeping the rest of the day away. I have still taken business calls and orders, still done the banking, paid bills, a couple of those kinds of things, but really important stuff? I feel like I’ve been using all my energy on other people first and I’m back to having nothing left for myself and my family.

How did I end up back in this position? I was being so careful to pace myself and not accept things unless they were something I really wanted in my life. Instead, it started with doing a favour for one person, then a favour for another person, then committing to a few other little things. Now every little thing is too overwhelming and if It’s not something I have to do already then I can’t even think about it.

Last week I was doing great. I was taking people to work, kids to school, visiting the studio every day, doing odd jobs for people, planning exciting new ventures, getting new customers in my business and filling exciting orders, organising things with my accountants, housesitting, looking after my pets, and looking after my husband all without blinking. Now I’m… I don’t know… flailing about and feeling horrible about myself. I guess this is just that normal phase I’m used to but all a lot more toned down than usual. It’s just annoying that this still happens.  At least it will pass.

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From → Personal

One Comment
  1. You will get through this so hang in there.

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