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June 13, 2015

Just because I manage to go out and get places and do things and fulfill my responsibilities these days in a way that makes it seem like I have my life sorted, I still have anxiety.

Today we went to an art show and it was nice but I was completely visually overwhelmed to the point that I couldn’t even look at some of the artworks without feeling sick.

We then went to the mall where we bought some lovely food, but because of timing we ended up sitting in a corner of the coffee shop where I felt that the people at the next table were too close to me and I felt paranoid that they were staring at me and listening to me, so I stopped talking or looking at Stuart because I didn’t want to feel like these strangers were in on the conversation.

As soon as I got home I started to prepare for the next day because if I don’t anticipate and make lists and have a plan it all feels like too much.

When variables creep in – new ideas, trying to fit things in a small car, trying to accommodate or say no to people wanting rides – it’s nobody’s fault but after I’ve already had a difficult day I just shut down. If anything or anyone tries to get my attention when I’m shut down, I panic and cry and just turn into a mess. I swear that my brain doesn’t work during this time, not even a little bit. It’s rocking back and forth territory, I just feel like my entire world is out of control and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Now, I’m still doing better than I ever did before because these days I can usually recover within an hour of reaching breaking point and at least keep going, when not so long ago it would just send me into a deep depression and I would ignore the world for whole weeks at a time. (And people would give me advice like, “don’t isolate yourself, it’s better for you if you see people,” but any effort would be so tiring and overwhelming it was actually worse for me to think about.)

Please remember that I am a person who does struggle, and if I’m spending time with you it’s because my time and energy is actually valuable and I want to spend it on the people I love the most.

From → Personal

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